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WHEN?

I was fifteen and the boy I liked liked someone else.
And it broke my heart to see that I’ll never be as close to anybody compared to that girl he adored dearly.
I was fifteen and I wasn’t enough..

I was sixteen and my mother told me to lose some weight in order to look beautiful.
She told me to be smarter in order to conform with the society’s ideology of intelligence.
How I wish she had told me that I was okay and that I looked beautiful the way I was.
I was sixteen and I wasn’t enough.

I was seventeen and somewhere along the way, I realized that I was lost.
Wandering through roads of confusion and crossing rivers of uncertainties. I got lost and I got drowned in my own insecurities.
I was seventeen and I was lost and still wasn’t enough.

Now I’m eighteen and I told myself that it’s okay.
It’s okay that I’m lost but still trying to find my way out of the labyrinth of despair.
But somewhere deep inside me I know it’s not.
Because the boy I like still likes someone else
Because my mother thinks I’m better off as another.
Because I ruin everyone around me with my self-inflicted misery.

Now I’m eighteen and I’m tired of thinking. “If this heart stopped beating will it be enough?”

To the girl who breaks the hurt of the guy I love

To the girl who breaks the heart of the guy I love,

I don’t understand why I’m wasting an ample amount of time writing about you. All I know is that all my insecurities and self-doubts formed this wall of motivation to finally write my feelings out. For him, you were once the prettiest, you were once his world. And for a while, you owned his heart and mind. But you were nothing more than just the tiniest flicker of hope in a lonely night that he’s trying to hold on to, for you’ve always belonged to someone else. You belong to someone else and you complete each other while he’s trying to pick up his broken pieces trying to forget about you. And here I am, forcing myself in a love triangle with one dead side. Here I am, writing him sweet thoughts, singing him sad songs, hurting for him, secretly; for I am just his friend. A friend who’s willing to give him more than what he deserve. So please, before you claim to like him, before you go around telling everyone how much you adore him, before you go asking him how he’s feeling just because you are very much concerned about him, please think of me. Think of my unrequited feelings for him and his almost-requited feelings for you. Think about your guy and how lucky you are that you found each other while others are struggling for some affection. Think about the chances we could’ve had but wasted from forgetting you.

I always think of a hundred ways to replace you in his heart but you always come back with your way and it shakes off my whole world. I want to look at him without the ache in my heart just because you still own a piece of him. Please stop giving him vain hope of you being together and let me have my chance with him too. Let me prove myself and love him in the most unconditional way possible. Let me make him smile, for his smile is the best damn thing in the world. Let me tell him how much our music match and how I love the TV shows he watch, and that I’ve found my soulmate in him. His every move makes my heart falter and I know I’m doomed. He’s not perfect but he need not be for I love his flaws more than his beauties.

Please set him free. Please give him the peace his heart deserves. I no longer want to waste more time thinking about possibilities. I want to make him feel loved without guilt. I know in my heart that we are meant to be together and that we are connected in every single way. So for the last time, please stay away from him and give me more time to heal him.

1/11/16

And it hurts a lot when you say her name,

it hurts I couldn’t even keep sane..

it hurts how unfair it all seems to be

when will you have your eyes on me?

 

It hurts when I see you hurting because of her

it hurts when I see you smile over her

it hurts to feel like a nobody compared to that girl

when I am willing to be by your side forever.

 

It hurts that you just take me for granted

to get everything you wanted

for I’m just another friend to you

and she’s just everything you need..

 

 

It hurts. It hurts a lot.

“I want all of your pieces, the whole and the broken.
I want to be there from you when the world feels like a torture chamber with gravity for chains.
I want to hear about the universe you hide in your head, the questions that color your nights when life seems too black and white to be true.
But I know you don’t feel the same, so all of this is nothing more than the musings of another broken heart – mine.
I wonder when it will give up on you.”

Words: Maxwell Diawuoh

“I never thought I could feel pain and awe at the same time twice.

The first time was when it stopped raining after a long week of wet pavements and counting droplets on the window. The sky was full of promises. So there on the beach and away from the city lights, you could see one by one how the stars glow. It seems like they’re happy and dancing to show off their beauty. If only I could dance with them. But here I am contented with just loving them from the distance. And knowing they could never love me back.

The second time was when I looked at the boy beside me.”