What keeps me awake

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i think it’s a bit unfair how the universe allowed you to meet her first.
now all i do is sit and mope cause the thought that i wasn’t the only girl you’ve fallen for breaks my soul.
when i see her all i see is you and the memories you’ve shared, the promises you’ve made, the songs you’ve listened to, and all the days you’ve spent together.
all i see is the girl whom you have loved first with all your heart before your mind even knows what love really is.
the girl who first planted flowers to your soul, who nurtured them and brought butterflies in your guts
the first girl whom you’ve thought spending a lifetime with.
the first girl who broke your heart and gave you tears.
i sometimes lay at night thinking all about her and how your love started that one summer and thought it would last forever.
but then i realized that while she came before me, there really must be a reason why she never stayed; it’s for you and me to finally have our chance on this lifetime.
it’s for me to plant you a garden and for us to walk hand in hand on it together, for us to dance to silly songs and jam on our favorite bands along

for you to hear the poems and letters that i wrote 

it’s for you to finally fulfill your promise of a lifetime for the girl whose love will truly last forever.. 

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My one and only

IMG_20180203_111004_090This is not a poetry. This is just me, my words, and my feelings.

Let me start this by telling you something about myself. I am a girl who loves the stars and the ocean. Stars make me wonder, seas make me alive. That night, I shed tears not because of the sheer beauty of the stars and seas combined but because at last, the boy sitting beside me is mine.

I am a girl who loves words and poetries. He told me he didn’t like poetries, so I’m not writing him any. Poetries are made up of heartbreaks, sadness and rhymes of misery. So instead, I am offering him my bare words because ever since he came into my life, he made me forget about poetries.

I’ve always looked up the skies and wondered in awe if how many stars are there in the universe, and how many constellations make up the entire galaxies, and realized that can’t compare with how much he makes me feel everything with my eyes closed.

I’ve always felt like drowning in the ocean and when I’m with him I feel like drowning and yet I never want to be saved because when I drown into him is the only time I feel so alive.

I’ve always been so curious about how many written poetries are there and how many words make up the dictionary. Probably endless, but all those words are still not enough to articulate my love for him.

You see, I am fascinated by deep, endless and infinite things in life just as how deeply, immensely and endlessly fascinated I am with you.

Forgive me
If I ran out of papers,
trying to beautify all the words that I want to offer
If I ran out of ink,
trying to write down all the reasons why this heart beats for your soul, but realized there’s no really a reason why, just my heart and I.
If I ran out of words and letters,
trying to keep myself from spilling it all out. Silencing every loud scream of my heart who calls for your name cause it has a penchant for pain.
If I ran out of everything for trying so hard to keep you

But remember this,
I may have nothing to offer you. No papers scented with flowery words, and no poetries with perfect rhymes and profound meanings. But let me tell you that you deserve all the poetries that my eyes have casted upon. You deserve every single one that has marked through my heart because just like poetries, you make me feel alive.2017-09-27 05.52.11 1.jpg

My first kiss. 09/24/2017

I am writing this in detail because I want to remember every single moment of it. So it was a chilly night, we were watching a pageant on the event hall of a hotel, and my long time crush and I were sitting beside each other.  Suddenly, he asked me to come with him and go back to our hotel rooms because he wants to get his phone. So in ou hotel room, it was just the both of us. He lied on the bed and I was sitting on the other side. He came close beside me and told me he was cold. I handed him a blanket and he told me he’s still feeling cold so he grabbed me in the arms and told me that he wanted to hug me. And then next thing I knew, we were cuddling. It all happened so fast yet so slow that I didn’t notice when he started kissing me.